THINK PINK AT CHRISTMAS!!

Ok - so I know you are thinking - think PINK??? At Christmas??? Green, red, silver, gold and the occasional blue - but PINK??? That's what I decided to do this year for one of my Christmas trees. I know that it's not for everyone but it just seemed fitting this year that I have a pink tree.

The tree is in my bedroom and honestly I had a great time shopping for pink ornaments. Cindy gave me the first ones - a pink flamingo and a pink boa. FUN!! I also used the "jewelry" and crown that Sarah brought for me to wear in The Race for the Cure. In fact - the crown is at the top of the tree. The little shoes we wore around our neck look great, too. I found more boas (imagine that - ha ha) and all in all I think the tree looks wonderful!! One special ornament is one that my cousin Deborah sent. Her Mom - my aunt - made it several years ago for a Victorian tree - it's a little pink Victorian dress and looks special on the tree. Thanks Deborah for sharing that ornament with me.

This time last year was not a great time - I had just learned that I had breast cancer and needless to say was in a bit of a shock. I remember not being able to sleep or eat and could not sit down - had to constantly keep moving. Didn't decorate any for Christmas - no trees, no lights. The only thing I did get down from the attic were our stockings. Just wasn't in the mood. It's different now because after going through the last year and everything involved in it - I can say I am cancer free!!! Soooooooooo this year I have put up FOUR trees !! ha ha I have definately enjoyed the trees this year - even the one on the porch that has fallen over TWICE from the wind. Mike tied it to a post after the last time and I don't think it's going anywhere now - unless the porch comes down too.

So everybody - think PINK - maybe you don't want to put up a tree totally in pink but perhaps put one little ornament on the tree that is pink and when you look at it - remember all the women who have gone through what I have this past year and pray for their complete recovery!! Let them be able to say - like me - I'M CANCER FREE!!!

Merry Christmas!!

Crown on the top.

Pink Flamingo

What Happened to the Pigtails and Little Smocked Dress??

About a week ago Sarah, Lindsay (Sarah's roommate) Whit's Mom (Janice) and I traveled from Chattanooga to Atlanta to look for a wedding dress. For those that are not aware - Sarah and Whit are getting married June 20th. Whit's sister had purchased a dress there when she got married - Sarah had looked around in Nashville and Memphis and not finding exactly what she wanted - thought a trip to Atlanta was in order. ROAD TRIP!



We had a great time - left early in the morning - saying bye to Mike, Whit and his Dad (Bill). They were left to their own devises for the day and I think looking forward to it. A quick drive through at Mickey D's and we were on our way!!



For those that have not gone through the "pick out a wedding dress" ritual - let me enlighten you - it is sooooooooo much fun but if you allow it it can become VERY stressful!! We had a 10:00 appointment at Bridals by Lori. First you met your "wedding dress specialist" - her name was Marissa - who asked the bride to be questions - her likes, her dislikes, etc as far as wedding dresses were concerned. I won't bore you with all the details but eventually we were seated in front of a HUGE mirror - Sarah was in a dressing room and trying on the dresses she and Lindsay had carefully selected. She would come out and "model" each dress - looking to us for our opinion. Janice and I laughed and thought it would have been fun if we had brought little cards to hold up - to rate the dress - each time Sarah came out - you know - 1 - 10 or maybe a thumbs up or thumbs down type thing. Remember - we're having a good time.



You know - each dress looked great on Sarah - but I will say that when she walked out in THE dress - the one she eventually picked out - I KNEW it was the one - as Sarah would say - it was AMAZING!! I won't go in to any details on what it looked like - don't want to give that away before the wedding but even though it took Sarah almost all day to decide -a trip to another bridal shop - lunch and then a mall visit to help clear our heads - I KNEW it was the dress and hoped that she would decide that too.



I must say that I thought I was holding up pretty well through all this - friends had warned me - you are going to cry - you are going to BAWL when she comes out in wedding dresses - I did tear up when she came out in the AMAZING dress but it wasn't until she was in the "accessories" room (yes - you go to a different area for veils, etc) and the sales person put a veil on her head that I had to leave the room!! All I was picturing was Sarah - in a little smocked dress I made for her and her hair up in pig tails and then buddy - the tears started. I thought about how she and Christopher use to dress up and do performances for us and how she would have loved a little wedding dress to dress up in. But - here she was - grown - beautiful and ready to get married and start her own family. I was overwhelmed. Don't think you really realize that the wedding is actually going to happen until you see them in the dress!!!



One of the things - when I was diagnosed with breast cancer - that really upset me - was that I wouldn't be able to beat the cancer and wouldn't see Sarah get married. For those that haven't gone through that - you have no idea of the things you think about - of the things you regret not doing and the things you so hope that you are ABLE to do in the future. I have seen Christopher get married and was there when he and Emily had little Noah - so fortunate to be here for those things. Now I'm going to be able to watch Sarah - in that amazing dress - get married to Whit and start their life together. I thank GOD for moments like that.



I know when Sarah walks down that aisle - yes - she will be beautitful - she will be radiant - the dress WILL be amazing but what I will be seeing is the little girl - in the smocked dress and the cute little pigtails - smiling at me!!! I love you Sarah!!

OH MY GOSH - What's that I feel on my HEAD????

About a week ago I was in Collierville - running some errands - I had just purchased a baby gift in a little shop called CutiePaTootie (isn't that the cutest name?) Oh - by the way - they have adorable baby and childrens clothes in there - check it out. Heading to the car I noticed that the wind had picked up quite a bit and SUDDENLY there was a "movement" on top of my head. I stopped right there in the parking lot and thought - OMG - what was that??? Then it hit me - after nearly 9 months of little or NO hair - my hair had finally reached the point that the WIND WAS BLOWING IT!!! I wanted to run through the parking lot showing everyone my windblown locks but decided most would not understand and would probably think I had lost my mind. ha ha

Probably one of the worst times for me through all the cancer treatment WAS losing my hair. The doctors said it would start falling out after the second chemo treament and they were exactly right. Libby was staying with me that day. I reached up and was running my hand through my hair and HUGE hunks of hair came out. I just sat there looking at it - Libby got a trash can and I just sat there letting hair come out into my hand and dropping it into the trash. Honestly I couldn't believe it was happening - like it was a dream.

Before chemo started I talked to a BUNKO buddy of mine (Sandra) who is a hair dresser and asked her if she would shave my head once it started falling out - she agreed - so the day after it began coming out Mike drove me to her shop and she shaved it. I had all these little hats that I had bought and Mom had bought quite a few for me - as well. Two wigs had been purchased but I wasn't really sure about them - Mike thought I needed to have them - just in case. Sandra turned me away from the mirror - Mike sat across from me and while she talked about anything she could think of - trying to keep my mind off what she was doing - I sat there wanting to BAWL - but trying not to. What would I look like - what shape was my head - how would I handle having no hair?? After Sandra finished I slipped a little sleep hat on my head - couldn't look at it yet - needed to be home alone to do that - we left her shop and drove home - Mike assuring me that I looked great - that my head was nice and round and I looked good bald!! Being told I looked good bald was not exactly what I wanted to hear right then - figured Mike would tell me ANYTHING right then to make me feel good. Later that day I did finally look at my self - slowly pulled the hat off - and you know what struck me first thing???? You'll laugh but the first thing I thought was OMG - I'm even SHORTER now. ha ha It is amazing how much TALLER you look with hair and as all of you know - I need all the help I can get in that department. You probably think I cried and cried then - right?? No - its strange - I didn't - just looked at myself and kept telling myself it would grow back.

About a week later - was cleaning up the bathroom and suddenly noticed something beside the sink - something I really hadn't noticed still sitting there - I slowly picked it up and without any warning started BAWLING. I cried and cried - because in my hand was my BRUSH!!! Not sure why that affected me like that - guess because a ladies brush is a very personal thing - you know - you have just one usually - always take it with you - you have found the RIGHT brush for your hair and you are the only one that uses it. I realized that it would be a LONG time before I used that brush again so tucking it away I told it that it wouldn't be long and I would take it back out and it would be useful again!!! OK - maybe I was a bit looney to be talking to a brush but that's ok - I did some pretty crazy stuff during all my treatments so if talking to the brush made me feel better then hey - what difference did it make?? About three weeks ago I opened the drawer where I had tucked the brush away - brought it out and said - "OK brush - YOU'RE BACK!!! I think it was happy to see me!! ha ha I know I was glad to see IT!!

My hair has come back DARK and CURLY - something I am having trouble adjusting to. The color can be changed but the curly part is getting the best of me - I'm afraid. Whenever I pass a mirror I do a double take and think - who is THAT?? ha ha The other day I got an e-mail from Mikes niece Emily - who has had very curly hair all her life. Her advise to me was to "embrace my curls" so I am trying!!!

Sometimes it seems like YEARS ago that my hair fell out and at other times it seems like yesterday. Regardless - it's a small price to pay to be cancer free. You won't EVER hear me complain about the wind messing up my "do".

Race for the Cure!!!

Steph's Steppers

Saturday THOUSANDS of people from the Memphis area gathered in Germantown, TN for The Race for the Cure. This event raises money for Breast Cancer research and this year raised over $500,000.00 for the cause. AMAZING!! Some of the nicest people from Mikes office got together and formed a group in my honor - "Steph's Steppers" - just our little group raised over $3,000.00 and ended up ranking 8th in the Friends and Family category - isn't that amazing??

I didn't know what to expect - didn't know if I could walk the three miles - having just finished radiation two weeks ago - but - we got out there and with adreneline pumping hit the streets - you can't imagine the NUMBER of people - it was difficult to stay together but a few of us did. Sarah, Whit and Lindsay (who came from Nashville) stuck close by and Libby and Alyx were never far behind. It was a sea of PINK!! I had on enough BLING to light up the road but believe me - I was NOT alone!! Everyone had t-shirts and survivors wore PINK shirts with matching hats and I must say that I found myself looking for the pink hats - it was very comforting to see SO MANY - wanted to give all of them a high five!!!

The walk took us through neighborhoods - people were lined up along the streets - cheering - little cheerleader groups from the community were urging us on, pep bands were playing (my personal favorites) and many families decorated their yards for the occasion - such wonderful signs of support. Below are two examples!!

Some of the ladies from Mikes office made little necklaces for us to wear - showing our team name - "Stephs Steppers" - weren't they the cutest things????

It was fitting - I think - that the end of my treatments came during October - Breast Cancer Awareness Month - unless you've gone through something like this - you can't understand what it was like to look around and see all the people there walking and showing their support. It made me feel very, very loved and very, very fortunate.

Libby and Alyx almost didn't make it - they came running up at the last minute announcing that they had ALREADY walked their 3 miles just to get to the starting line!! ha ha

Thanks to everybody who walked with us and who walked in "spirit" - it was a GREAT DAY!!

Will You Be By Yourself Tomorrow When I Call??

I had never been asked that question before by a doctor and somehow I KNEW when I heard those words that what she was going to say to me the next day was probably NOT going to be good. This was her way of warning me - without actually coming out and saying it. Of course - being the person I am - I refused to listen to her - refused to accept the fact that what she had to tell me the next day would be BAD - this could not be happening to me and I wasn't going to let it. So - instead of telling anyone what she said - I decided I could handle it - hey - everything was going to be ok - wasn't it? I had always done what I was suppose to do - had yearly mammograms and checkups - exercised - watched what I ate - kept my weight down - in other words - nothing could be wrong with ME!! yeah - RIGHT!!





The next day Mike left for work - I puttered around the house - trying to stay busy - trying not to think about the phone call that was coming - getting more nervous by the minute - I was still sore from the biopsies but that was nothing compared to the pain that was swelling up inside me - the fear. Maybe I had made a mistake to be by myself - but again - HEY - I could do this - there's nothing wrong - I'm getting worked up over nothing. Those words kept running through my head.





After a while I heard a noise outside - peering out the window I saw my sister Libby and her two boys - David and Daniel coming down the steps. Even now I cry when I think about it because THERE was an answer to a prayer - God KNEW I would need someone and he had sent them. Somehow my sister KNEW and she came. They had traveled an hour to be with me.





No one can prepare you for those words - the words that will change the way you look at things forever!! . . . . . . . You have cancer. . . . . . . . The doctor was very kind - said all the right words - was very sweet - I think I heard about half of what she said - she asked did I have any questions - QUESTIONS?? Yes - I had questions!! Am I going to die???? How do I tell my children? Will I see my grandson grow up? Will I see my daughter get married? Why me???? All these questions and more flooded my brain. Of course I didn't ask any of those questions - I calmly thanked her for letting me know - we discussed appointments they would make for me with other doctors I needed to see - they would get back to me the next day with those appointment times. I remember my sister sitting there listening to my end of the conversation - how she looked at me - that question mark on her face and how I nodded - letting her know that yes - I had breast cancer. The look on her face - I will never forget.



Most of the rest of the day and really for the next few days I don't remember much. After hanging up the phone I broke down and cried and cried - I couldn't stop crying - Libby holding me up - telling me it was going to be ok. It wasn't ok - to me it felt like the end of the world - I had just been told that I had breast cancer that had already spread to my lymph nodes - I knew what this meant - a LONG, LONG period of treatment was ahead of me. How could this have happened? Why did this happen? Would I be able to handle what was in front of me?? Please God - let me live!!!

Sometimes we don't know what is best for us but God does and that day he let my sister know I would need somebody and I will always be thankful that she was there - when the phone rang. I love you Libby!!!!